if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
is wine microwaveable?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
