Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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