one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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