So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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