he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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