how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
