the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
