Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
false alarm, still single
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