he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I feel like a drive thru vagina
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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