When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
