I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
