if i can run in heels then i can drive
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
