even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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