Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
