her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
We got so high we made milksteak
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
