i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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