i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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