Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
