3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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