Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
