now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
