The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
