i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
cat food counts as protein by the way
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
