Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
