And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
