chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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