I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
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