i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
