i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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