Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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