I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
