are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize