New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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