This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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