i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
organizing the empties. That sober.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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