areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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