Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
