I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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