Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
