MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
