I am spending my child support on dildos
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
