Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
