I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
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