dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
