she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
