I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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