Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize