So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
