Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize
