Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
