dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
