There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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