Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
