I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
