after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
