she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I have post one night stand depression
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
