Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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