I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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