my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
