when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
