Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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