you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
