But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
It's never too late to be topless.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
